Riverdale is called “the town with pep”. Perhaps a better term would be “the town with secrets”. Everybody has a few skeletons in their closet. Affairs, love children, and just a few murders - really, it’s a wonder the mortality rate of Riverdale isn’t higher than its population. Season 3 of Riverdale finds the Midnight Club reuniting, this time as adults. Sworn enemies are banding together to ensure the ghosts of their past don’t come back to haunt their beloved children. It’s all about the kids, right?

Frankly, it’s a credit to those teens that they’re as well-adjusted as they are… for the most part (cough, Cheryl, cough). Many of their parents are murderers; others are abusive, absent, or both. Still, there are a few shining stars in this warped pantheon of parental figures. From the psychopathic to the sympathetic, here are the Riverdale Parents, Ranked.

Clifford Blossom

A parent who murders their own child has to be at the bottom of the list. Clifford was a man who cared about the Blossom legacy more than his own family. He was the proud owner of Blossom Maple Farms (and its underground drug operation) and wanted his son Jason to follow in his footsteps. Jason wanted no part of this and had plans to run away with his paramour Polly Cooper. Clifford discovered his son’s plans and shot him in cold blood. When the truth came out, it was believed that Clifford hanged himself though it was later discovered Penelope poisoned him. Who knows how much more carnage Clifford would have caused had he remained alive.

Penelope Blossom

If the Blossoms were to write a parenting book, it would read more like a Stephen King novel. Penelope is almost as bad a parent as her deceased husband. This murderess cares much more about her brothel than her own daughter.

Penelope is a cruel homophobe who treats Cheryl as a bane to the Blossom name. Penelope’s parental crimes include committing Cheryl to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy and trying to blackball her from attending Highsmith College, all because of Cheryl’s sexuality. Penelope may have a sweet last name, but she’s rotten to the core.

Marty Mantle

We don’t really know much about Marty, other than he owns a car dealership and occasionally beats the tar out of his son, Reggie. In the early days of Riverdale, Reggie was little more than a one-dimensional bully, and he has since evolved into someone so much better. Maybe Marty will have a similar character arc to his son. Somehow we doubt it. Marty is one murder away from ranking even lower on this list.

Myles McCoy

We count our blessings we’ve seen precious little of this deadbeat dad. He may be a successful jazz musician, but Myles is an arrogant snob. He returned to Riverdale to watch his daughter Josie perform in the Variety Show (good), but dismissed her music as commercial pop and walked out of her performance (bad). Josie deserves better. We hope Myles stays on the road for good.

Hiram Lodge

For a mob boss who’s supposed to be all about “the family”, Hiram Lodge sure doesn’t care much about his own. At the beginning of the series, his crimes left Hermione and Veronica virtually penniless. Even when they got their riches back, Hiram made it clear to both wife and daughter that should they defy him, they will be punished.

Hiram plays with human lives for sport, including his daughter’s. When she chose Archie over him, Hiram framed Archie for murder and tried to have him killed in juvie. Has the man never heard of grounding? His punishments are positively draconian.

Hal Cooper

It’s a sad state of affairs when a serial killer places mid-ranking on a parenting list. In Season 2, it was revealed that Hal Cooper was the Black Hood. He killed multiple people in an effort to cleanse Riverdale of “sinners”. In other words, Hal is hardly a great role model.

However, in his own twisted way, Hal truly cares about his daughters. From his prison cell, Hal asked Betty about her SAT results with genuine interest, and he seems to honestly care about Betty’s opinion of him. We’ll take a stab in the dark and say it’s not great, which can also be said for his parenting skills.

Alice Cooper

Alice is a hot mess. We love her for it, but it hardly makes her a stellar parent. She’s got some major issues and seems to take them out on her daughters, especially Betty. In Season 1, Alice was cartoonishly overprotective of Betty, especially when she began dating Jughead. Alice seemed to hate the Southside, until it was revealed that she herself used to live there.

Alice got over that, but she’s still grappling with the fact that her hubby is a serial killer. We can’t begin to know how to cope with this, but we’re pretty sure joining a sketchbag cult called “The Farm”, and donating Betty’s life savings to the cause isn’t the answer. Alice, maybe next time when the chips are down, try therapy or a girls’ night out.

Hermione Lodge

Hermione is flightier than a breeze on Sweetwater River. When we first meet her, Hermione is grounded and focused, determined to start fresh in Riverdale. She even gets a job as a waitress at Pop’s, proving she was more than just a trophy wife, and setting a good example for Veronica. However, that all went out the window when Hiram got released from prison. Hermione did a total 180, and cast Veronica and her needs aside. Since then, Hermione has realized the consequences of being a gangster’s wife and she has discreetly tried to help her daughter out. But there’s one thing that’s crystal clear: if Veronica falls, Hermione’s not going down with her.

Gladys Jones

This Gemma Teller 2.0 is back in town for all the wrong reasons. Gladys initially took off with daughter Jellybean because FP’s drinking was out of control. We totally sympathize. But now that FP is on the straight and narrow, Gladys isn’t setting up shop in Riverdale for a family reunion. Quite the opposite; she wants to grow her drug business.

Everything she does for her family has an ulterior motive. She doesn’t just make pancakes for Jughead; she uses breakfast time as an opportunity to get in his ear about how to run the Serpents, all to suit her own needs. While we’re excited for the inevitable Gladys vs. Hiram showdown, we’re not so much about the Jones’ domestic future.

FP Jones

When we first met FP, he wasn’t winning any Father of the Year awards. There’d be no place to put them, amidst the litter of empty beer cans that filled his trailer. Because of FP’s alcoholism, his wife and daughter left, and Jughead was homeless for a while. But FP was able to clean up his act, and now father and son are a functioning family unit.

FP fully embraces his parental role, calling Jughead “boy” every time the kid does something out of line. Though we can’t deny FP is a good dad, it may have been a bad call to crown Jughead as King of the Serpents. Generally, those aforementioned Fathers of the Year don’t put their kids in charge of biker gangs.

Mary Andrews

Though she may live far away from her son, Mary Andrews is a stand-up mom. She wishes she could have more time with Archie, and encouraged him to leave Riverdale and all its darkness for a life with her in Chicago. He refused, but Mary’s love for him has never wavered. Mary is tough, and when Archie is acting like a jerk, she’ll call him out on it, like when he missed Fred’s mayoral announcement. Mary always uses her skill set for helping friends and family, like when she represented FP and her own son Archie, both on trial for murders they did not commit.

Sierra McCoy

When it comes to parenting, Sierra is the epitome of tough but fair. She always challenges Josie, striving for her to do better. This is because she recognizes her daughter’s immense musical talent and larger-than-life dream and wants to see her succeed. Sierra has also helped the other teens of Riverdale, not through parenting skills, but through being a sharp lawyer. She’s represented Fangs Foggarty, Cheryl, and Veronica, just to name a few. Nobody knows more than Sierra that being a parent means you’re always on the clock.

Tom Keller

This former Riverdale sheriff is masculine with a capital “M”. He’s a tough guy who believes in discipline. This might make you think he would have a problem with his son Kevin being gay, but it’s just the opposite. Kevin’s sexuality has never been a source of conflict for father and son.

Tom will step in when Kevin’s not being safe, like during his cruising days, but ultimately he wants his son to be happy. Tom is also a strong father figure to the other teens of Riverdale. He’s a loving step-dad to Josie and coaches Archie in the ring. He may rarely crack a smile, but Tom has a heart of gold.

Fred Andrews

Fred Andrews is the definition of a stand-up guy. He believes in honesty and hard work, and tries to instill those values in his son. Though Archie has sometimes been seduced by the glamour of the dark side, he’s always found his way back to his humble, salt-of-the-earth roots. The most moving scene of the entire series was when Archie returned his Firebird (a gift from Hiram) for a jalopy so he and Fred could fix it up. This gesture moved Fred to tears - as well as the audience - and was a perfect example of his effective parenting values.

There will be more tears to come, as actor Luke Perry tragically passed away recently. It’s unknown how the show will handle the departure of Fred Andrews, but we know it will honor both the character and the man who portrayed him.

Let’s raise a milkshake to this pop culture icon, and the best dad in Riverdale.